Discernment therapy is initiated by couples who believe they are on the brink of divorce and want guidance from a mental health profession as they decide whether or not to end the marriage. Usually, couples have tried or considered traditional therapy and, at least one partner does not have a desire to return to or attend therapy at all. Most commonly, couples present for discernment counseling with “mixed agendas,” in which one partner is leaning towards divorce (i.e., “leaning out”) and the other wants to remain married (i.e., “leaning in”). This was found to be true for couples even after the divorce has been initiated. In just a few sessions, one to five, the therapist aids the couple in deciphering whether divorce is the best option for their marriage. At the conclusion of therapy, a decision is usually made and couples choose one of three paths — 1. Stay the course, 2. Separate or divorce, or 3. take divorce off the table, commit to six months of couples counseling, and then reassess the marriage.

Techniques specific to discernment counseling include individual conversations and relationship assignment.

Individual conversations. These are designed to help each person understand the role they played in why the marriage is suffering, and to not only expect change from the other partner. For both of those in the marriage, these conversations can increase accountability, self-awareness, and the ability to identify unhealthy patterns of interactions. For the individual “leaning in,” these conversations are meant to help individuals truly listen to the partner, understand their perspective, and develop constructive interactions; especially during conflict and given the emotions surrounding the potential end of the relationship.


Relationship assignment. When couples intend to reconcile the marriage, they are asked to make a written list of habits they would like to change in themselves that could benefit the marriage. Additional assessments, relationship-enhancing activities, or treatment may be recommended. If couples are deciding to divorce, the therapist helps them to create a plan of how they both would like to cooperate throughout the divorce process and aspects that are the most important to consider (e.g., children or respectful communication).

While discernment counseling offers the benefits of marriage counseling, in which couples are able to strengthen relationship skills, research indicates that traditional marriage counselors may not be as effective as discernment counseling. This form of couples counseling can help partners better understand each other’s perspective of the condition of the marriage and reach a neutral agreement when on opposing ends of the future of the relationship. It is beneficial for discussing difficult topics, such as infidelity, feeling as if you’ve grown apart, and processing resentment that developed due to situations of the past. Those who proceed with divorce or separation reported this type of counseling increased cooperation during the process of divorce and post-divorce, especially for those who are co-parenting.